Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
