who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
