remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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