if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
