Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
