i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
