I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
