bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you traded sex for a burrito?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
