nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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