this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
