For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
