I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize