I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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