Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize