Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
