I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
