I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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