hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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