I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
