capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
