Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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