His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
