I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
