butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
