It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
