Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
