there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
