dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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