His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
