I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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