the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize