I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
