He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
