hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
