the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
