Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize