We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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