The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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