We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
