Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
