Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize