dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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