Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize