i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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