The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
