all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
