no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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