Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
