my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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