you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
