saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
