Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
