Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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