just come out here and I will go home with you...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
