i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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