I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
