I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
