Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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