i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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