i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
