Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
